12 January, 2015

My elastic heart.

It wasn't how I expected to start the year. My last blog post, what triggered it and the aftermath.

Up until last Saturday I had been feeling positive and motivated about the year to come. It's the only time in my life that I have actively looked forward to the year ahead. And then it hit me. This wave of pure terror, my throat was closing up, my hands and toes were going numb and eventually I would end up in full body cramp, struggling to breath. A panic attack.

I've never had one before. It is safe to say that it is up there as one of the most horrible experiences of my life. So, maybe I am pretty blessed, I don't know. Since then I have been struggling to keep in control. I've had anxiety my entire life. It's just been this background buzzing noise. It was always within my control. This last week and a bit I have felt so out of control it is unreal.

And it comes at a strange time - I'm the happiest I have ever been. I wrapped up the year having achieved almost every single thing I wanted to in the last year. The only thing left to complete now is to have my own place to live. I've felt calm, in control, on the right track. So why now?

It's one of life's mysteries, so my boyfriend put it.

But this is why I snapped so spectacularly. Usually I ignore people online who come out with that kind of crap. I don't see the point in playing up to it. But damn it hit a nerve and I couldn't shake it. I HAD to act, I had to speak, I had to express.

And maybe I didn't handle it with grace and the best I could but I am human and sometimes I get sick and tired of handling things well. Sometimes we have to explode and scream and shout and cry. And I'm quite an explosive passionate person at the best of times. Later I went through the girls blog and realised that she herself had been struggling with a break up and clearly needed a release. I was her release. And she was mine. A strange meeting of emotions.

As I write this I am still struggling with waves of panic attack, a whole week after the first one. I have no idea where it is coming from, besides possibly that I have a serious issue with not being able to breath after having choked some months ago.

I need to express myself right now more than I ever have in my entire life. All I can do is share with my close friends how I feel, sing, dance, cry, laugh, reblog and post and share and talk and talk and talk. At times I feel manic. But I am slowly taking back control.

And part of this was dancing today. This song has taken a hold of me. It's my fight song. The original video is a beautiful piece of choreography that I can never live up to but I can express what I need to. I can move to it.

Dance is therapy. Pole is therapy. Music is therapy.


P.s it's hard for me to share this. I don't often talk about my struggles with mental health. Something about how this hit me made me feel I need to share. Anxiety and depression was my personal struggle, but this...this is something I had no control over, something that feels almost separate from me but also a part of me. And I know so many people have experienced it and never talk of it. I need to.